Mom, just wondering if I can still write you...

In Search Of Light:

In the deep dark mejik I fell under tonight,
There were ghosts and miseries,
Plans I could never see.

The windows all were closed,
But a draft fell on my candle flame,
Tears were never far,
Angels on the window sill.

Funny how the night is so deep in between my ears,
But it's just a bit south and left where the hole lies,
And nothing can ever quite fill it right again.

No, I can't give you the crystal ball answers,
No I can't open the blinds on life,
All I can do is stand here looking for the lighthouse,
Wondering where you are.

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 08/21/2003

Author's Comments:
Missing those who've passed beyond my world.

Hi, Mom, I was just thinking of you today. Funny, I do that most days, thinking maybe you're peeking over my shoulder here at the switch, watching what I write, wondering at all the escapades we kids are pulling off. I guess no one ever comes here to Earth prepared to miss someone every day. You can't write about it as often as you think about. Spouses sure don't understand, they just think they've "cut the cord" as they like to call it. As if being close to your parents or siblings is something wrong. It's a funny, subtle thing I don't even think they recognize that they do. Anyway, I hope you are having long talks with Noni & Nono. I hope you're up there telling E how cool his music STILL is. I sent Kat the two ringers for you. I think she thought that was pretty cool. Go knock 'em around once in awhile and let her know you remember...

I would really like it if you came and said hi through Saren some time soon. I'm sorry I couldn't do that the day you were leaving, it was just too much, silly as all that is. And I hope your angel is helping all those who need it so badly. I'll be reading in the chicago Poetry Fest this year. I think I might do one for you if I get that far...

Love,

Dan

Mom, hope you were watching all those fireworks on the beach Friday.

Love,

Dan

By the way, be on the lookout for Gramma Varden - she's on her way up there if she hasn't arrived already. Tell her thank you for all the wonderful dinners when I was little,, and DON'T tell her that I think Noni busted the all-time record for out-cooking kitchen angels. They were both great at it, just different, Must be Gramma Magic. And tell Gramma Enid and Granpa Cecil I miss them and we are going to hang out some when I get up there because we didn't enough when they were here in school. I intend to be awhile yet, though. Lots to see down here in the classroom.

I think that's OK for now. I'm going to do my best to come up with at least one memory a week. That would be good, and It will give me a set goal to reflect on Mom's life. I guess that in a way, this how I talk to her now. Some of the things I would say are, say hi to Noni & Nono, tell them I miss them. Say hi to Uncle Ross whom I never got to meet. Say hi to Great Granpa Keeney, it was fun when I got to meet him, wish it had been earlier in life. Say hi to Elvis, 'cause I'm trying not to wreck his songs too bad when I sing 'em. Hope you take Samantha Joe out to play and go Bye-Bye every day, and don't forget her coffee in the morning! If you go camping, look up and spot a shooting star and remember I'd be doing that for hours while we swapped campfire stories if I were with you. Love you, Mom.

I remember when I gave Mom an Un-Candle for Mother's day. I was in high school, I think it was the first time I'd bought her a gift with my own money from my part time job. That's the candle that uses a little oil with the wick floating on what looks like a glass of water. I think she liked it, but as usual I didn't know what to get her, so I picked something I liked.

It seems strange to me that it's been so long since I've been here. there are so many memories, but at times it's hard to pull them up. Let's see what I can find....

Missed Mom this past Mother's Day. Lori was too. She couldn't get here to post, but I talked to her and know it. I went to Sheboygan and did some good environmental work, in her memory. I'm going to spend time the rest of my life trying to help improve the region around me, that we all called home. That's in honor of her memory. Whatever little bits I can do.

I don't know why it comes to mind now, but i remember when I was in first grade, I went to a friend's house after school without asking...we were playing hotwheels, and of course I couldn't resist. Mom got freaked when I didn't make it home on time, and started driving all over looking for me. She got in an accident and broke her ankle. I always felt so horrible about her being on crutches because of that. And silly enough, I missed the car that was wrecked, too. Mom used to call her Gertrude...and old sixties Ford Falcon, two tone powder blue and white if I remember right. My grand parents had driven falcons since some time before I was born, and this one was like Nono & Noni's falcon that got totalled by a drunk when Mom brought Jeff home from the hospital right after he was born. I guess no matter if she got pissed at me at times, I never doubted where I stood with her. I'd remember that cast on her leg and know...

Funny, I can't seem to remember any specific Easter, just the way they were in general...

Just thinking of Mom this Easter weekend...remembering being little and we would go to Nono & Noni's house, and they would do the egg and basket hunt in the house and yard, how magic that was. Of course, we never really appreciated the new clothes then, but looking back I have an adult's eye to that somewhat now. I remember how I always wanted white chocolate Easter bunnies..and of course Lori & Jeff always wanted regular chocolate.

Another early memory is kind of foggy, but Mom took me to someplace out in the country and I got to ride on a pony or small horse. I don't think I was quite two yet. It was fun but kind of scary.

The earliest memory I have of Mom is from when I was one year old. She was ironing clothes in the basement, and the doorbell rang. I had gone down stairs and crawled under the ironing board. Mom went up to answer the door, she must have been talking to the person that came over. I was trying to unplug the iron to turn it off, the cords were draped over the board and I didn't think I could get out without pulling the iron down on me. I didn't grasp yet that the iron wouldn't cool off right away. So I kept unplugging one cord, ansd putting my hand up by the iron, feeling it's heat. I'd put that cord back together and unplug another. (There were a couple of extension cords.) On the third one, my pointer finger slipped between the prongs of the cord. Standing barefoot on wet concrete, needless to say I had my own "Ben Franklin Key On The Kite String" moment. I was standing there screaming and frying, when someone in uniform came downstairs followed closely by Mom. Mom reached to grab me, and whoever the guy was slammed her up against the wall and kicked the cord off my finger. It was not a forgettable experience. Mom carried me upstairs and ran my finger under cold water in the kitchen faucet. It had been seared to the bone. The scar is still there.

It's been awhile since I've been here, I think I just needed to let myself grow used to that she's really gone. That the number in my cell phone memory goes to someone or something else. I keep thinking of her, and remembering. I guess it's time to share some of those memories, a little at a time.

Kat - to answer your question, Saren says she woke up on the other side. Saren tells me that when someone goes through a passage like that, they are "asleep" on the other side for awhile while the guides work on them. Not sure what that means, but I know Mom had a rough ride out...

Dan

Hi Kids;

I'm sorry that I missed your Mom's celebration of life. I didn't
find out where it was to be held until I read her obituary just tonight.
Your Mom loved life with a zest that very few others that I have met
have had. Try to find that zest for life for yourselves. Your Mom was
the leader in your family for all of these years. It's your turn now. I
know that you will make her proud.

I love you both,

Dad

Hi Dan;

I enjoyed your collection about the dunes. When we were young, your
mother and I used to go to the shore of lake superior and it looked very
much like the dunes, except that at the top of the cliffs, there was
grass growing. Where we went was the mouth of a river. I think it was
the bad river. It was in Wisconsin just a few miles south of the upper
peninsula of Michigan.

There was a power plant about a quarter of a mile up the river from
where it emptied into lake Michigan. The water in the river was like
bath water because it was heated from the power plant. one time we made
a boat from a large tractor inner tube and paddled up the river. just
after the power plant was a water fall. It was beautiful there and we
had a very nice time swimming in the warm water just below the falls.
So your love of the water and the beach comes naturally from both
sides. It's your heritage. Tuck this in your memories of your mom. It's
one of the best ones that I have of her.

Love,

Dad

A card I just received yesterday:

In Sympathy -

Dear Dan, Lori, Jeff -

Wishing you peace in your time of sorrow.

Signed:

With affection and good memories of your mother,

Alberto & Jean Jimenez

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are one of my best friend's parents. I have known Luis Jimenez since we were in 7th grade.
Luis's father, Alberto, is also in the advanced stages of Parkinson's. These are folk I very highly respect.
Thank you, Alberto & Jean!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me


When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

I know mom would of loved this one too!

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!


This is a beautiful poem my sister-in-law sent me sometime ago. I save it for when I need a little reminder.