I wonder if Kat comes here often or at all any more. She was one of Mom's best friends online for a few years at the end. They were always in cahoots, cooking up some kind of social activism for the disabled online.

I hear from Kat every now and then on email, maybe I'll remind her of this site. *Ring, Ring*

Something between the two of them.

Miss ya Mom. We all think of you often.

Dan

As you can see, I'm re-publishing some of the poetry I wrote at the time of Mom's passing here to the blog. It's getting close to the anniversary of her death, and maybe that's what's brought me to this page for a freshening and updating.

In my way, I see this as keeping Mom's memory alive. It's also the only way I can talk to her now.

For all of you out there who lost a mother, sister, aunt, or other woman close to you through the evil of breast cancer, my condolences. Mom was only in her late 50's when the disease took her, just a few days after my birthday. That is just too young. It's not right, and it still pisses me off.

Dan

Rainbows On The Wall:

Sitting here watching,
Rainbows dance on the wall,
Is it an angel,
What's making it,
I can't see where from,
All the words are said,
Just waiting on the,
Phenobarbital party,
If the angels are spinning,
'Round and round the ceiling,
I wish I saw them clearly,
There by the painting,
Little Gypsy woman on the wall,
There's rainbows all around you,
Rainbows on the wall,
You went through.

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 02/07/2003

Author's Comments

Said good bye to Mom today,
big hug, she wanted to go to sleep.
*************************
Mom is gone. She chose complete sedation -
unconsciousness until the end. I found a little angel pin
in the doorway to her room, and I pegged it into the wall,
over her doorway. Just a tiny thing. Maybe it was the
answer to this poem.

The Darkest Hour:

What are the words you say,
When the one who shaped so much of your life,
Lies hurting and you can not help,
Have nothing but the arms of love to offer,
There in the unseeable black face of good-bye?

I know there will be no more words soon,
And I wish I could put every word in the universe,
Here, now, this minute,
In perfect order with perfect heart,
Just to make you know I love you,
I and many more of us.

When you step through the veil,
Walk beyond all this broken dream,
Sleep, rest, find comfort,
Follow your heart's desires,
Knowing we will love you all the way.

We'll stand by you,
Just before the dawn,
In the darkest hour.

When our own night falls,
We shall find you no matter how far,
Go without fear and without worry,
Into the sunshine.

You take all our love with you, Mom.

That's what you say.

We love you.

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 02/03/2003

So Now I Can e-mail Mom...

This makes it better on certain days. Christmas. Her birthday. Mother's Day. Nono's b-rthday. The anniversary of one of them passing.

Dan

Words are the mind's bridge - its connection to all the universe.
Love is the heart's bridge - its connection to all other souls.
Loving words can work miracles.

Quite a bit of re-work here, but at least now she's got an up-to-date template that I can easily add items to.

Going to send a link to Sis 'n Kat so they can post.

Dan

I was just thinking, "It's coming up on six years." (Since Mom passed away.)

I can hardly believe it. She was always such a force and presence in my life, it's like she's never really gone. Except when I feel like picking up the phone to call. I have a pretty good idea of what she'd say.

Miss ya, Mom. Always will.

Dan

-------- Original Message --------

Subject: Getting to know you
Date: Sun, 07 Jan 2001 20:36:12 -0000
From: judy o
To: Dan

Okay, here's what you're supposed to do. Copy, not forward this entire
email, and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of
answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of
people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that
you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. Remember to
send it
back to the person who sent it to you.

Person whom answered below: Judy Oberbruner

LIVING ARRANGEMENT? Apartment, 2 bedrooms, like it so so
with dog Jordan, so so dog lol

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all
small stuff

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? No mouse pad, got old. threw it out, table works
ok

FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Backgammon

FAVORITE MAGAZINE? PC Computing

FAVORITE SMELLS? Italian Grocery Store

FAVORITE SOUNDS? Quarters in the slot machines when winning, Native American
music

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Future unknown because of disability

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Will
I be able to walk well today and where's the coffee

ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? SCARY!

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Get to it when I can, and how
can I afford to get my computer and phone separated

FAVORITE FOODS? Fresh fruits and yummy salads, guacamole, ice cream

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? No, hate paying tickets to the state, terrible
waste of money

DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No

STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Cool

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1956 Olds

If YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? Bill Gates

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Gin and tonic w/lime slice

WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? On the cusp for Scorpio and Sagittarius

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Professional Golfer

DYE HAIR ANY COLOR? Yes, blond and most of the rest as mood hits me

EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes, some very serious some not so much

EVER HATED ANYONE?? Yes

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Half full

FAVORITE MOVIES: Not a movie fan

ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY? Righty

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? No not any more, used to
but now soon need to be able to dictate to my computer soon as I can afford
Dragon Dictate

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Slippers

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 1000

FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Football

SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU
THIS: New on line friend, Dawn, that I worked with on a great project for
awhile. Has a great mind like mine, lol, only much better memory and typing,
very capable nice person, into social justice like I am, especially for
disabled kids in school, and I prefer adults.

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I have no idea because I have very diverse friends
and family. But first guess, my son Dan.

MOST LIKELY NOT TO RESPOND? Will be interesting to find out. Will keep
statistics ha ha.

Judy O

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2005!!!!!

On this day, September 11th, of all days:

Turn Away Cold Voices...

Close your ears,
Listen to the heartbeat of Earth,
Close your ears,
Feel the touch of love and all it's dear worth,
Close your ears and see clear and clean,
Close your heart,
To the siren of the war machine,
Turn away cold voices,
Leave heartache far away in the dark,
Turn away cold voices,
Forget to fan the spark,
Let not the liars tell you,
That death becomes them,
For no heart that beats,
Should by any man's hand end,
Turn away cold voices,
Cause not any river of tears,
Turn away cold voices,
Full of hatred, lies, and unjust fears,
Hold out your hand in kindness,
Together love this Earth,
Turn away cold voices,
And remember the measure of your worth.

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 04/24/2002


The Thorn Of Crowns:

One doesn't need to be crucified to die on the inside,
Heavy responsibility is not always easy to bear,
Temptation can blind you at times,
And losing you objectivity can be worse than being blind.

The sepia tones of old photographs can't hold you at night.

Never forget those times you cried,
And how they came about,
Remember the times you smiled,
And what gave those smiles birth.

Everyone has those moments in greater or lesser degree.

Even if you are King of the World,
You can't eat diamonds and emeralds,
And fast cars and jets can carry away,
Just as easily as to.

You could be haunted even on yacht at sea under forever stars.

Think about it,
Will the world truly have been better for you having walked it,
Even just one little bit,
The sum answers of that question alone are set in stone.

The true bits of gold carried by men.

When power comes upon you,
And you've walked the the halls of rulers,
Lying with a rattle in your throat,
As the angels gather round you,

Was the life you wore torn useless by the Thorn of Crowns?

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 03/15/2004

Author's Comments:
I think most people will understand.


Return My Colors:

I saw them waving in the breeze,
Those threads and dyes of freedom,
Pursuit of life, of liberty, of happiness,
Red of courage,
White of purity,
Blue of truth,
They stand for freedom,
They do not belong,
Upon the collars of intolerance,
Upon the poles where heads hang,
In the circle of a lake of tears,
In the halls where our lives are pried open,
Like a clamshell overfed on statute pages.

I want my colors back.

I want those colors to bring tears,
Because they mean a home where one is soveriegn,
Upon the lands we've worked to earn,
Where spies are some dark shadows across oceans,
Or figments in story books,
And no one is disappeared without a trace,
Just upon the say-so of fear's hounds.

I want my colors back,
To wear with pride,
Because they represent a place of good hearts,
And live as you are.

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 08/28/2003

Author's Comments:
Our rights and liberties are critical to the character and identity of this country. There is no place on Earth like this place was just two and a half years ago. I want that place back, and the colors that go with it.



Walking The Needle:

We all must face a darkness today,
As a world and as a nation,
For the man-made shadow cast yesterday,
And that just a cumulation of many all over the world,
And as our hearts are torn with rage and grief,
We must remember that we are moral beings,
And that wanton retaliation is no such thing as moral,
And we must remember that violence only breeds violence,
And insanity does not bring death to life,
For how many bombs have been thrown in truth by whom?

We all must face a darkness today,
As a person and as a human being,
For the manmade shadow we contemplate casting today,
And that just an addition to those all over the world,
And as our hearts are torn with rage and grief,
We must remember that we are moral beings,
And that much of what races in our minds is not,
For long after we extend our hands in violence,
We will remember that we were amoral beings,
And ultimately the cost is a ticker tape of blood spots,
And shadows upon more souls.

We all must face a darkness today,
And wonder how to bring back the Sun,
And in no way can I poor poet that I am,
Give out the definitive answer,
For I must face a darkness today,
Staring at the fires within my own heart,
And perhaps that is a good place for each of us to start.

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 09/12/2001


By Candle Lit Tears:

You see a soft yellow glow everywhere now,
Millions of points of gentle light at night,
All over this vast land with a common heartbeat,
And the faces may change but not so the tears,
You will know if you look and see,
Down from up above where you are now,
Your gift is remembered well,
The one you didn't know you would give,
As you left for your work and errands on that fateful day,
But you will know it if you look,
Not by the words of angels or historians,
Though those may come your way,
No, you will know it if you look,
By the rivers of candle lit tears.

AquarianM

By: Daniel A. Stafford
(C) 09/17/2001

Words are the mind's bridge - it's connection to all the universe.
Love is the heart's bridge - it's connection to all other souls.
Loving words can work miracles.

There will be no further posts today in remembrance of the people and cherished intangible treasures that were damaged on this day in 2001.

We were thinking of you today...

Mom,

Kat went and found your old Yahoo! profile - still online after these
near two years. Amazing, isn't it? Anyway, we all love and miss you.
Justin has started high school this week. Bet you'd be proud. Good news
from Tiff, too. New job, EMT & nursing training in the works, all great
stuff.

Love,

Dan